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Inspired by Indigo

Here's a little about me...

I spent the past 10 years of my life acting. Like literally. Moved to L.A., got an agent, got a manager, and started auditioning. I've had my successes but I noticed that there was a gaping hole in my life. I felt stifled. I always felt like I needed someone's permission to be creative. I needed to kick ass in auditions or else I wouldn't get the job and wouldn't be able to act. This all led me to desperation. I wasn't in control of my life and I was allowing people to tell me who I should be based on their own agendas. Every week it would be something new... let's cut your hair, let's dye it, use more make-up, look "hotter", look younger. I attribute most of this to the type of people who were representing me but still, it gets to you after so long. You wonder, why am I not booking more work? Looking back I was booking a good amount of work but no one ever made me feel l like it was good enough.

I decided it was time for a little break from that world. It was the hardest decision I have ever made. I've spent my whole life working at this one goal and to say, ok, step back, breath, is just not easy... especially when you are at an age where agents are telling you that you have limited time to "make it". I'm 28 by the way. That's old in the world of TV and Film. There has been a ticking clock in my head for as long as I can remember. I can actually remember, clear as day, crying on my parents bed and begging them to let me move to LA. I was 15 and I already felt the pressure to make it by a certain age. 

So one day I just straight-up fired my agent and manager. It was a long time coming. I felt liberated. I felt like I was a real person again. And then I felt really, really depressed and anxious. It took me a few months to pick myself back up and finding Shibori changed my life. I've realized that yes, I will go back to acting but I won't be the same person I used to be. I am completely happy telling someone to "fuck off" if they don't respect me. I don't need that recognition anymore. I can be creative and work hard and make beautiful things in any type of medium and that makes me happy. I love the process of dyeing with Indigo. It is magical. I love watching the lime green turn to beautiful  blue. I feel like it represents the change I have gone through from worried, unbalanced, anxiety ridden to calm, happy, in control. It's hard work and at the end of the day I am completely exhausted but I love that!  

In the process, I have learned these things about myself:

1. I love to create.

2. I want to work with my hands.

3. I LOVE to travel and I NEED to explore. 

4. I love home.

5. I don't care about being famous but I would like to leave my mark. 

6. If someone doesn't like me, I'm ok with that.

7. I LOVE my husband, my dog, my family and my world.

8. I'm not perfect and I have no intention to be, but I DO want to be ME all the time. 

Most of all, I feel happy now. And i think it shows.